I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
