Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
