Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
