Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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