meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you had me at cake vodka
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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