i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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