i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
sex in a hospital.. check
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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