just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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