haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
