If i come over, it means nothing
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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