I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
