He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
