Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
