How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
