wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
