I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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