I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize