so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
