im six kinds of drunk right now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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