What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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