i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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