the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
