My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
