sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
