I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
