I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?