the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
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Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.