you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
