I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
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Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.