Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
