He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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