Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
