im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
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Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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