I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
