hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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