The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
