I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
