I can tuck mytits in my pants
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I want her autograph on my taint
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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