I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
