i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What changed your mind?
Being sober
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
