She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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