I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
wow bdsm is so cute
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