Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
