I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
