The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
