he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
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And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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