When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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