Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
