well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
