it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
