I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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