Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
