She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my being single is dangerous.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
