i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
