Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
