she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
