I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
