tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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