So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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