guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
