im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
