i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
