Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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