I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
